13 Reasons why Brad Pitt should be the next Mayor of New Orleans

May 27, 2009 by Josh Harvey

New Orleans will elect a new mayor on April 22, 2010, and the Brad Pitt for Mayor Campaign Steering Committee is asking you to vote for Brad Pit t .

After extensive polling, focus group discussions and soul searching, the steering committee, headed by Tulane's Dr. Thomas M. Bayer , decided upon thirteen reasons why the Crescent City would be best served with Brad Pitt as Mayor.

Click here to get the official Brad Pitt for Mayor tee shirt .

Reason #1 - He's Qualified

Rather than having to make vague and unpersuasive connections between clearly unrelated qualifications such as, say, franchise executive and governing abilities, the qualifications of our candidate are plainly obvious: as the worldwide audience of Homer's Troy can attest, Mr. Brad Pitt clearly has the stomach for the job, not to mention the shoulders to carry the burden of governance.

Reason #2 - NOLA ♥'s Brad Pitt

By bestowing the great office of Mayor of our city upon Mr. Pitt, we, the citizens, are afforded the opportunity to say thanks for the many wonderful things this gentleman has already done for us. What better way to show our heart-felt appreciation than to present to him the mayoral office, the patronage trough, the cornucopia of our great city, that which we hold so dear and is ours to bequeath?

Reason #3 - Lagniappe

If we elect Brad Pitt mayor, Angelina Jolie would be the First Lady of New Orleans.

Reason #4 - Technology and Gastronomy

Instead of technology executives vying for malfunctioning anti-crime camera installation contracts and lap dances, movie moguls from everywhere will lobby the mayor to get a table on Galatoire's ground floor for the Friday before Mardi Gras all-afternoon lunch.

Reason #5 - Publicity

Publicity and photo opportunities will chase our Mayor, instead of the Mayor chasing publicity and photo opportunities.

Reason #6 - Urban Planning

We will not have to rename a street to honor his name, as Pitt Street already exists.

Reason #7 - City Council Relations

Stacy Head will be nice to the new Mayor.

Reason #8 - Economics

Instead of executive travel expenses depleting our budget, the city's coffers will be filled through generous personal appearance fees earned by Mr. Pitt as our elected leader and ambassador.

Reason #9 - Convention Business

New Orleans will become the magnet for conventions of professional women's organizations worldwide. The warm glow of pink Cadillacs will illuminate our Southern nights. This mass of sensually charged femininity will attract male visitors eager to contribute their economic stimulus.

Reason #10 - Jazz Fest

Instead of being greeted by the ubiquitous presence of Shell (God bless them!), visitors to Jazz Fest will be welcomed at the main entrance by our Mayor enthroned on the King of Rex Float, officiated by his Secretary of Music, Quint Davis.

Reason #11 - Rebuilding

Rather than relying on Aussie eloquence and narrative creativity or malfunctioning federal and state agencies, Mr. Pitt, as our chief executive will, instead, lead us, the local Pittwomen and Pittmen, in the fight against blight, crime, poverty and lack of humor. Dressed in period costumes and assisted by experienced producers, set builders, make-up artists, and camera operators, this cast of thousands will launch our Renaissance epic in weekly reality sequels.

Reason #12 - Transparency

Instead of having to sue for the release of public records, or to attempt to restore accidentally deleted emails, we can learn everything about our first executive from the pages of the National Enquirer and People Magazine.

Reason #13 - Integrity

Rather than governing our city to achieve fortune, fame and a book deal, our candidate already has achieved fortune, fame and MOVIE deals.

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